I’ve been watching “Nutrition by Kylie” a lot on YouTube lately. Surprisingly, this series has posed a unique opportunity to talk about the depth of consent conversations.
Kylie is a registered dietician with a recurring series on cooking “unexpected” foods. She often showcases things we’ve been taught absolutely aren’t included on a healthy plate: things like salty spam wedges or a bowl of instant ramen. Kylie’s goal isn’t for viewers to cut out flavors that they love—in fact, her mantra is always “focus on what you can add to, not what you can subtract from, your meals.”
This simple concept of being additive instead of restrictive is directly applicable in consent conversations.
While I could spend hours lecturing about things that you absolutely cannot do (like not having sex with someone who is drunk or who hasn’t clearly and verbally consented), it would be a disservice, especially to young people, to stop the conversation there.
Young people are hungry for information about how to find someone they are compatible with and how to treat their partner right. If we focus solely on listing all the limitations in a relationship, we miss the opportunity to go deeper to ensure consent in other aspects of relationships.
I had a student recently who perfectly captured this idea. We had watched the Cycling Through Consent video, which uses the metaphor of a bike ride to explain the complexities of consent. Afterward, he raised his hand and asked: “Okay, so you told us what not to do. But…say if I hypothetically wanted to find a bike riding partner…how can I do that?”
The answer is to ask! An additive approach to consent is to lean into the conversation and be curious. Going from one bike ride to a more long-term bike riding schedule/partnership simply requires some more dialogue. Go the extra step to tell them what YOU think would be fun, then ask if that’s okay with them.
One of my favorite examples of informed consent comes from a surprising source: Drew Barrymore and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. In this short video, Drew asks if Dwayne could do five squats while she was on his back. Dwayne laughs and says “Yes, do you want to do it now?” to which Drew heartily agreed.
Dwayne already had Drew’s consent (she was hyped, she was smiling, she verbally said yes, “let’s do it”), but he went the extra mile to say “here’s what I’m going to do…” This is what an additive approach to consent looks like. It gave them both a chance to head into the bit fully engaged and prepared. Everyone had fun and it’s because everyone (including the audience) was on the same page.
This type of thoughtful, thorough consent is overtimes overlooked. In our day to day life, consent typically only comes up when something “bad” has happened, typically regarding sexual misconduct. But as these examples show, it’s about respect and choice. It’s about being aligned with the people around you and never making assumptions. And most importantly, it’s seeing consent as a more holistic and essential component to happy, healthy relationships.
Written by: Jasmine Lee, Prevention and Education Specialist, Abuse Response & Prevention Services
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